On My Own
by Fae2135
Summary: Elphaba's thoughts after secretly observing the goings on during Thank Goodness. Based on the song On My Own from Les Miserables. Musicalverse, set in between Thank Goodness and Wonderful. Fiyeraba, as if I really needed to say it.


**A/N: Hi all! Yes, I know, I should be working on "Lost and Found" or something, but this idea spawned itself during a snow day last week and wouldn't stop hitting me upside the head until I wrote it down. I was listening to the song "On My Own" from _Les Miserables_ (one of my favorite musicals besides Wicked!), and I could just see Elphaba in Eponine's place. And before you flame me for breaking the rules, NO, THIS IS NOT A SONGFIC! It is BASED on a song, but doesn't even contain any of the actual lyrics, which is completely different than what the rules of posting ban!**

**So, as I said, this is based on the song "On My Own" from _Les Miserables._ It is musicalverse, and is set between "Thank Goodness" and "Wonderful." I have been wanting for a while now to do something where Elphaba was actually watching from the shadows as Glinda announced her and Fiyero's engagement, and the whole idea of the song seemed to fit with it really well. So, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Wicked or Les Miserables, I would be rich and famous. But alas, I am neither one. You draw your own conclusion.**

**xXxXx**

A large crowd – practically the entire population of the Emerald City, actually – had turned out to celebrate the engagement of their beloved leader, Glinda the Good. There was revelry, festivation, and rejoicifying in every corner of the city. People flooded the huge open-air square in front of the palace, cheering and shouting good wishes to Glinda and her fiancée, a dashing young man attired in a smart-looking green uniform with gold trim (had someone said he was the new Captain of the Guard?). The happy couple accepted all the adoration with wide smiles and much waving, which drove the joyful throng to still greater displays of their affection.

In all the hubbub, no one noticed a lone figure at the back of the crowd, swathed head to toe in a thick black cloak. The hood was up and pulled forward to obscure the person's features, but if anyone had bothered to peer into its depths, they would have been able to make out a pair of piercing dark eyes staring defiantly back at them. The figure kept its gaze trained on the couple on the platform for several long minutes. Then it turned and disappeared into the streets of the Emerald City in a swish of black skirts, one edge of the cloak flying back momentarily to reveal a brief glimpse of a slender green hand clutching the handle of a battered old broom.

Elphaba wasn't quite sure what she felt as she strode away from the celebration. She was fresh from a long-overdue visit to her sister in Munchkinland (though it had ended rather badly), stopping for only a short time in the Emerald City so she could look in on the only two other people who had ever cared about her. It had hardly been startling to find her former roommate at the center of a party of epic proportions, but it _had_ come as a bit of a shock that it was an engagement party. And she had been even more surprised to learn that Glinda's fiancée was none other than Fiyero Tiggular, the "scandalacious" Winkie prince they had met at Shiz.

Well, it should hardly have been a surprise, she reflected dryly. The two of them had been a couple since the moment they first laid eyes on each other. She was glad for them, she supposed. They'd both gotten what they deserved in life: a chance to be happy. Glinda and Fiyero getting married was like reading the final chapter of a fairy-tale you already knew the ending of – it had been a foregone conclusion even during their college days that the two of them would end up together.

So why did the idea bother her so much?

It perturbed her that for some reason she couldn't force her discomfort to the back of her mind. She had worked hard to learn how to ignore her emotions, and she didn't appreciate the skill deserting her now. But for whatever reason, she couldn't seem to escape the multitude of conflicting feelings that were swirling around inside her, so she decided that she might as well try to sort through them.

On the surface, she really _was_ happy for them, as she would have been for any of her friends (that is, if she'd had any other friends) who had just gotten engaged. But she felt that somehow the happiness wasn't genuine, that it had no substance. It was a flimsy disguise; one close examination by anyone, herself included, and it would fall to pieces in a clock-tick. But it was too late to turn back now, too late to try and maintain the façade, even if she had wanted to. What was the use? The only person she was trying to fool was herself. And besides, now she truly wanted to learn more about these strange emotions that had made her break her own hard-learned rule against feeling anything.

Seething just beneath the thin, fragile skin of dutiful congratulation, Elphaba discovered, was a fierce, raging jealousy, ready to break through if given the slightest opportunity. She was green with envy (she laughed a little at her own inadvertent pun) of her blonde friend. It wasn't fair that Glinda should be allowed to obtain yet another element to make her fairy-tale life even _more_ perfect. Once again, her former roommate had somehow contrived to arrange things exactly as she wanted them. Elphaba wondered petulantly how in Oz's name she did it. Whenever the green girl tried to manipulate events to suit her own whims, her attempts never failed to go miserably wrong. But Glinda seemed destined to get everything her obnoxiously perky little pink heart desired. And the most aggravating part of it was that no one seemed the least bit inclined to question how it became her right to have this destiny in the first place.

Delving even deeper, beneath the current of resentment, she found that there was yet another layer of emotion, a new piece to be fitted into this puzzle. There was something more here than simple, ordinary jealousy. Elphaba wasn't merely annoyed because the blonde girl had exercised yet again her uncanny ability to get whatever she wanted. No, this, she realized with some surprise, was more concerned with what Glinda had gained from this particular victory than with the fact of the victory itself. In other words – Fiyero.

As soon as she thought his name, she asked herself defensively why she even cared what he did or what he thought of her. His life was his own business; she certainly had no control over the choices he made. But in her heart, she knew why she cared. She had never forgotten the day when he helped her rescue that poor little Lion cub from history class. She could still feel the heady, dizzying rush that swept over her when she took his hand to stop him from leaving, could still see the expression in his blue eyes as he asked her why he was the only one her powers hadn't affected. That expression had both frightened and intrigued her, because it looked like a perfect match to what she herself was feeling. She hadn't known at the time what it all meant. But now that she was older and wiser, she realized that a connection had been formed between them in those few moments, a bond too strong for anyone to break.

The unfamiliar feelings that he sparked in her heart that day had taken root and grown up into something that not even she fully understood yet. But she finally saw that the real reason she was so absurdly angry about Glinda and Fiyero's engagement was because it was depriving her of her chance to find out if maybe, just maybe, he thought about her the way she thought about him. Elphaba knew that if he married Glinda, what little hope she'd ever had of a relationship with him, if any, would be gone forever. And suddenly she thought she understood what had been going through Boq's mind as he begged Nessa to let him go and appeal to Glinda one more time before he lost his last chance.

Night was falling quickly now, the clean blue wash of the afternoon sky replaced by the fading rainbow of the sunset. With nothing to do and nowhere to go (for who would be treasonous enough to offer lodging to the Wicked Witch of the West?), Elphaba began to wander aimlessly through the streets of the city. The crowds from earlier were dispersing, heading back to their cozy homes for the night after an exhausting afternoon of merrymaking. Her dark cloak ensured that she blended easily into the twilight, and no one gave her a second glance. Soon the streets emptied out and she was left alone, a creature of darkness, the night at her disposal to do with it what she would.

Elphaba liked the darkness. She always had. In the absence of light, appearances made no difference, and she was the same as everyone else. And at night, as she lay there trying to fall asleep, she was free to retreat into the place where she felt most at home: her own mind. Then she could imagine that she was the one Fiyero loved. Safely surrounded by the darkness that made everyone equal, it became easier to picture him there beside her, to pretend it was she who brought that wide, adoring smile to his face, she and not Glinda. At night Elphaba could make believe that it was her he looked at so lovingly, that she was the one he held in his arms and promised forever.

Everything seemed different when she imagined him with her. It all took on a special beauty, bathed in starlight. Even the rain wasn't rain, but rather showers of pure silver. The world and its troubles couldn't touch them; nothing mattered except that they were together, even if it was just for this moment.

But the trouble with night was that the sun always returned, and with it the harsh glare of reality. It was wonderful to dream, but not even the best dream could soften the pain of waking up to discover that all the happiness it had given was only an illusion. In the stark light of day, Elphaba was forced to acknowledge the truth. The world went back to what it really was – a place full of hardship and sorrow. The starlight was gone; the rain was nothing but ordinary water. And she was alone, always alone.

She discovered that her meandering had brought her back to where she started. The square was now empty, the platform abandoned, and beyond it a set of wrought iron gates loomed, tall and imposing. They were locked for the night, naturally, protecting the enormous building behind them… the palace. She stopped for a minute to study it, remembering the time she had been invited inside.

The ground floor seemed to be deserted, the lamps all extinguished for the night. But as her eyes traveled up two or three floors, she caught sight of a lighted window. Someone was still awake. As she watched, the silhouette of a man appeared against the golden background, leaning forward with his forearms on the windowsill. She realized from his profile and posture that it was Fiyero, and she allowed herself to imagine for the briefest instant that he was thinking about her.

Then a second shadow materialized next to the first, this one of a woman. Her skirt was wide, and even from this distance Elphaba could make out her ringlets. The shadow-Glinda took the shadow-Fiyero by the elbow, and together they disappeared from the window. Elphaba shook her head with a self-deprecating smile. She was only deluding herself. Why in Oz would Fiyero ever give her even a passing thought, when he had Glinda? His world would keep on turning, whether the green girl was a part of it or not. As long as he and the blonde had each other, she knew he would be happy, and she couldn't begrudge him that, even though she knew she would never experience such happiness herself. She couldn't bring herself to resent the joy he was sure to have, no matter how much she wished it was her and not Glinda that he planned to share it with.

But just once, she would've liked to know how it felt to be the favored one, to be chosen over everyone else.

_Don't wish… don't start… wishing only wounds the heart._

For a minute or two (or perhaps a little longer) she allowed herself to stand there, engulfed in her private fantasies and regrets. But then she pulled herself back with a resigned sigh. It was no good feeling sorry for herself. Self-pity was for the weak, and Elphaba was nothing if not strong.

The best antidote for a melancholy state of mind, she had discovered long ago, was activity, so she began to walk again. And as she slipped away down a side street, her mind hatched a plan that would require plenty of mental activity as well. According to what she had heard in the square that afternoon, there was to be a formal ball tomorrow to celebrate the engagement. _I'm going to sneak in and set those poor monkeys free…_


End file.
